Funny Jokes in English

John returned home late and found a naked man in his wife’s bedroom closet.
“Hey, what are you doing in there?”
“I’m riding a bus.”

The beginning of the operation. The anaesthetist leans over the patient to put an anesthetic mask. The patient smells the booze breath and exclaims:
– Doctor, you are drunk!

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a Russian are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden.
The Frenchman says, “They must be French, they’re naked and they’re eating fruit.”

A delegation of foreign communists came to see a Moscow kindergarten. Before they came, the kids were instructed to answer every question by the visitors with just one sentence, “In the USSR everything is the best in the world.”
The visitors came and asked their questions:
“Children, do you like your kindergarten?”
“In the USSR everything is the best in the world!” the kids shouted.

“Do you think I shall live until I’m ninety, doctor?”
“How old are you now?”
“Forty.”
“Do you drink, gamble, smoke, or have you any vices of any kind?”

On the shore of the Indian Ocean a raggedy Indian fisherman lay dozing with a hat over his face. Beside him two fishing lines were stuck into the sand.
Up comes an American.
‘What are you sleeping for?’ says the American. ‘You’d be better off catching fish.’
‘What for?’ asks the fisherman.
‘What do you mean, what for?’

Tell a joke to a German, and he will not understand it.
Tell a joke to an Englishman, and he will understand it, but won’t show it.
Tell a joke to a Japanese, and he will understand it his own way.

One cop says to another:
– Can you imagine today in the book store I saw a very interesting book!
– And what is this book?
– It’s called “How to resolve 50% of your problems.”

The KGB, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in…

Two former schoolmates met in the street.
“Where do you work?”
“I am a school teacher. And what about you?”
“I work for the KGB.”
“Oh, and what are you doing at the KGB?”

In the plane. The pilot informs the passengers about the flight:
– We are at 10 thousand meters height. The speed is 700 meters per hour, the temperature… Ouch! Oh, my God! No…!
In two minutes the pilot makes announcement:
– I’m sorry. The stewardess spilled the hot coffee onto my pants.

A man asked a vet how to feed a horse with demulcent.
“Just take a pipe, put the powder in, then put the pipe between horse’s teeth and blow the stuff in,” said the vet.
Later the man was found on the ground in the stable.
“What happened? Did the horse lash you out?” he was asked.
“No,” was the reply.

Once Holmes was visited by the person with a request for help. He was in a worn suit, a shirt with shabby cuffs and an old top head on his head. Holmes refused to help him. When the man left, disappointed Watson jumped on his friend:
– Sherlock, you are a great detective. How could you refuse to help the poor man?

A tough old cowboy told his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously, and lived to the age of 93.

A college student was delivering pizza to a regular customer’s house in New York.
The guy who answered the door asked him, “What is the usual tip?”
“Well,” replied the youth, “this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I’ll be doing great.”

A man met his tailor in the street and stopped him.
“I quite forgot to pay for the suit which I have on now,” he said. “Why didn’t you remind me?”
“I never ask a gentleman for money,” the tailor replied.

Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”
The man replies, “And how would you do that?”
The woman says, “Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, “What are you doing?”

Two kids are talking.
– My dad works twelve hours a day, so that I can have a comfortable home and decent clothes. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. However, I can not relax from all the worries.
– But you are living a fairytale life! What are you so worried about?

A man comes to Lubyanka (KGB headquarters) and says:
– I am a spy, I want to surrender.
He is asked:
– Whose spy are you?
He says:
– I am an American spy.
– Well, then, you need to go to room #5.

“I have good news and bad news,” the defense lawyer says to his client.
“What`s the bad news?”
The lawyer says, “Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene.”

One day Holmes and Watson are flying a dirigible balloon. It is foggy around, they have lost their way. Suddenly they see – a shepherd is grazing sheep below. The men are very glad and shout:
– The dear, tell us, please, where we are now?
– You are in the dirigible balloon.